Turning the Tables

viagra is a commercial produced medicine conta...

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I have been very discouraged by all the attacks on women’s health care in the last year. It seems that every month there is another bill restricting our reproductive choices. That is why it was so refreshing to come across these stories (see below) about female representatives finally trying to level the playing field. I don’t think any of them meant their bills to be taken seriously and were just trying to make a point. Let me throw my two cents in and write my own version of the bill.

U.S. Senate Bill 89001

Any male over the age of 60 or who is withdrawing from his 401k, IRA, Social Security or Medicare must pass a rigorous stress test before being prescribed Viagra. This test should simulate the level of activity needed to keep up with toddlers and young children. This would obviously be far more demanding than driving a golf cart to play 18 holes- a more appropriate activity for senior citizens.

Next, said male must also meet with a counselor who will show him a graphic video of a man having a heart attack after having sex,  followed by a warning that at this age it might be safer to practice celibacy. The counselor will then require him to listen to a recording of a baby crying and a child throwing a tantrum while he is driving a car. If he passes this test, he must wait 24 hours before proceeding.

After the physical and mental tests have been met, the male patient will be instructed on how to perform coitus interruptus to reduce the risk of impregnating his partner who was denied contraception because she worked for a Catholic institution.

If after passing all three requirements, said male still wishes to receive Viagra, his partner must sign an agreement that he is in good physical shape for sex and/or childcare and she does not lay responsibility on the doctor. If she refuses to sign, he must channel half of his savings into a trust fund to support all offspring who are still minors at the time of his death.

Would something like this bill pass? And would we even want it to? Of course not, because that would be limiting a man’s freedom. The purpose is to point out how hypocritical our lawmakers are when it comes to restricting women’s rights in a way they would not consider for men. I am glad that state senators and representatives Nina Turner, Janet Howell and Kelly Cassidy are taking this approach. Maybe a little humor mixed with sarcasm will work better than anger.